In the 1830s, because of Hayes’s Cherokee ties, General Winfield Scott enlisted his help in the forced removal of the Cherokee Indian Nation from North Carolina, Georgia, and Tennessee—all so white settlers could grow cotton on the vacated land. As an interpreter, Hayes played an active role in the ethnic cleansing that displaced approximately 100,000 people from multiple tribes, a deadly exodus that became known as the Trail of Tears. For his service, Hayes was awarded 700 acres, on which he built the mansion that still stands.
• • • •
In its most technical sense, the word legacy has come to mean “property left by a will,” though the word is also used to refer to long-lasting impact.
In his will, George Washington Hayes left his wife all his “property,” referring to both his land and his slaves, stipulating that his wife could maintain “the use of all such Negros [sic] as she may wish to keep or to controle [sic] . . .”
After my parents handed me the stack of family records from their trip to North Carolina, I didn’t look through the documents for months. To confront the connection between myself and Hayes would mean having to claim this dark inheritance. To own it. I didn’t know what to do with that kind of responsibility.
Inheritance has a weight to it, dragging along the heaviest questions.
If my parents don’t have to sell the Long Beach property to finance potential long-term care in their old age, the cabin will become part of my inheritance. When I consider this, there’s a question that nags: To whom would the property belong after I’m gone?
In my late thirties, I don’t have children. I’m told there’s still time to decide. Such a decision, though, feels too enormous, the consequences of either path provoking both terror and awe.
• • • •
Throughout the Middle Ages, the possession of hierozoika, natural artifacts like whale bones, amplified the power of the Church and feudal lords because the Gospels regarded such objects as sacred. It was understood, historian Klaus Barthlemess writes, that the owner of whale bones held “the world in his hands.”
It’s an ancient tug. To reach for something beyond oneself by grasping at something sacred.
I feel the strongest urge to take a memento when I’m overwhelmed with awe—a flash of recognition that my existence is just a blink. Standing atop a mountain summit, awash in the kind of wonderment that nearly brings me to my knees, I’ll take a few photos, tuck a stone into my pocket.
My mountain photos never do justice to the alpine light, though. Stones always look duller, somehow, displayed in my house.
“Wildness cannot be collected and still remain wild,” Robin Wall Kimmerer writes in her book Gathering Moss. “By the very act of owning, the thing becomes an object, no longer itself.”
I’m not alone in the impulse to collect tokens of wonder. During Europe’s Scientific Revolution, the wealthy curated wunderkammern, or cabinets of curiosities, which often included animal specimens. In his Noema essay, “Finding Awe Amid Everyday Splendor,” journalist Henry Wismayer writes that these displays “. . . were partly an ostentation: a show of their owner’s discernment. But they were also a cognitive tool. Awe, and its milder cousin ‘wonder,’ had come to be seen as an aesthetic prompt for the inquiring mind.” These objects were an attempt to make tangible the quicksilver consistency of awe. To turn it into something that could be contained or accessed at will.
Encountering a whale, even a dead one, can summon a swell of awe. The sheer size of whales recalibrates our sense of scale, the blood vessels of an average blue whale so considerable a mature trout could swim through them.
For me, the Long Beach whale dredged up a deep ache—maybe because whale populations have dwindled so considerably. Or maybe because it reminded me that someday I, too, will be gone.
The translation for the Latin phrase memento mori is “remember that you will die.” To take a memento, then, in its original sense, is to be awestruck by the raw terror of one’s own mortality. It’s an attempt to hold onto life itself, to tighten one’s grip around that which is temporary—a way of saying I was here—even as time slips like water through our fingers.
• • • •
When it comes to after-death care for beached whales, this country’s post-colonial track record isn’t pretty. U.S. officials have often hauled the bodies out of sight, trucking them to landfills or weighing them down with scrap metal to tow back out to sea.
Sometimes, trying to remove the mess only makes things messier. In 1970, Oregon State Highway Division officials planted half a ton of dynamite on the lee side of a whale, hoping the blast would break apart the body into snack-sized bites for seagulls and crabs. Instead, the explosion showered spectators and cars with ropey organs and chunks of blubber, one piece so massive it totaled a car more than a quarter of a mile away.
As soon as a whale strands in the U.S., coastal officials are tasked with managing, on the fly, a jumble of competing priorities: collecting scientific data, corralling the public, and determining what to do with the body. Within this pragmatic, efficient agenda, there’s not a lot of room for ceremony.
By contrast, coastal villages in Vietnam worship whales as deities and host proper burial ceremonies on beaches or in dedicated whale graveyards. After three years, locals exhume the bones and lay them to rest in a whale temple, where anyone can come to pay their respects. Some Japanese communities honor the souls of dead whales with an equivalent reverence to deceased humans. Similarly, whaling tribes from the Kamchatka Peninsula to Vancouver Island mourn the death of a hunted whale for three days, as long as that for a human.
In the face of the unfathomable—death, longing, impermanence—ritual is the human attempt to restore balance, to create connection, to offer meaning.
• • • •
Midnight came, but I didn’t budge from the couch. I wanted the whale bone, but if my calculated, elaborate heist was any indication, I was too anxious a prospective criminal to follow through with my plan. I’d begun to feel a little ridiculous—not cut out for a night of crime. I also felt unsettled, for reasons I couldn’t yet articulate.
Emptyhanded, I went to bed.
The next morning, I jogged the beach until I reached the whale, only to find that the vertebra was gone. Someone else had taken it.
Later that day, I watched as two white men hacked at the whale’s spine, intent to dislodge the next vertebra.
• • • •
Whales bring out “the best and worst of human behavior,” Barry Lopez writes.
To manage this polarity, U.S. officials try to discourage the public from plundering the bodies of dead whales. “If people mess with them,” says Michael Milstein, public affairs officer at NOAA, “we’re losing the story of what these animals can tell us.”
Whale samples paint a more coherent picture of their role in ocean ecology while also informing conservation strategies that may help to replenish their numbers.
Their bones and tissue tell us something about whales. They also tell us something about humans. About the ways our story twines with theirs. Whale necropsies point to possible causes of death: ship strikes, pollution, biotoxins linked to warming seas. It’s only when we construct a narrative around these denouements that we begin to understand our role in the plot.
Each time I tell the story of the night I almost stole a whale bone, someone invariably interrupts to ask, “You took it, right?” As if this is a foregone conclusion. As if there’s no point in finishing the story.
• • • •
Watching the two men hack at the whale’s spine, I was disturbed by the sight of them, by the conspicuous violence of the act. Sure, I’d concocted a plan to do the same thing, but I hadn’t gone through with it—in broad daylight, no less.
In an uncharacteristically bold move, I jogged up to the men.
“Just so you know,” I said, “there’s a hefty fine if you’re caught.” Though I still had no idea whether this was true, I tried to sound like a confidante offering a tip.
I was hoping they would tell me they were scientists. I was hoping they would justify their actions with a reason more satisfying than that they simply saw a thing they wanted and decided they would take it.
They didn’t offer an explanation, and after an awkward silence, I turned and jogged away.
• • • •
Recently, my dad asked me if I wanted to inherit the stone sinker my great-grandfather found on Sx’wálech.
“No,” I said. “I think it should be returned.”
“I agree,” my dad said. “But first I wanted to make sure you didn’t have an attachment to it.”
The truth was, I did feel attached. It was a beautiful object. I wanted it to be mine because I’d loved it all my life. Still, I knew that if it came into my possession, I would think only of how, though the sinker had been in my family for four generations, it didn’t belong to us.
• • • •
As I jogged away from the two men, tears ran down my face. I was surprised by the force of my emotions, an animal panic rising in my body.
Death comes for us all. But did it have to come like that? Scavengers hacking at the leftovers until there was nothing left?
I decided I had to know what the men chose to do. Would they still feel entitled to their claim even after my bluff? I needed them to leave the whale bone alone. I needed them to feel morally compromised, to question their actions. I needed there to be an alternate ending to the same old story.
After I was a good distance away from the men, I turned at a right angle and headed toward the dunes. Once there, I ducked into the grass and crept back in the direction of the whale. Like a madwoman, I army-crawled to the top of the dune, where I could watch the men, who were now walking away from the whale. One of them was toting a bucket, though I couldn’t tell whether there was anything inside. When the men shrank to faraway dots down the beach, I left my hiding place and bolted toward the mound.
As soon as I was near enough to see that they had left the vertebra, relief swept over me. Then, revulsion. Once again, I felt the same reflexive entitlement from the previous day. I wondered whether I should seize the whale bone before anyone else could claim it. I knelt next to the body and burst into tears again.
Though my motives had come from a place of protection—even love—I was no longer sure how different I was from the other would-be thieves.
The next day, I returned to the whale and found that the vertebra was gone.
• • • •
Whenever I visit the peninsula, even when dressed in my well-worn red Costco rain jacket, locals sniff out the city on me. “Are you visiting?” they ask. I tell them I live in Portland, Oregon, though I often feel tempted to explain my connection to the area—that I’ve learned where to forage wild mushrooms and how to dig for razor clams at night. That I know where a certain bald eagle perches in the dunes at three o’clock in the afternoon on clear days. That I’ve studied the way the weather moves.
I’m eager to prove my fluency of the landscape, to show I belong here, too. But I stay quiet, self-conscious that the cabin is one of many vacation homes that remains unoccupied nearly year-round.
In his book, Chinook Resilience: Heritage and Cultural Revitalization on the Lower Columbia River, anthropologist Jon D. Daehnke writes that, “although place is primary and central to human existence, its role has been undercut by an emphasis on ‘space.’” Place, as he puts it, is a “container of memory, rootedness, and identity,” while space is “abstract, empty, and bureaucratic.” A connection to place is how we make sense of the world. A focus on space is how we divvy up the world—mapping, allotting, and managing—upending deep, ancient relationships to land.